My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana

Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg