Funny Quotes

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ― Jerry Seinfeld

When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it.

Will Ferrell

My job is mostly to entertain and be funny.

Roseann O'Donnell

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

I just want to be known as funny.

Jim Gaffigan

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

Hedy Lamarr

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

The funny thing is that everyone thinks I'm naturally dark because all of my siblings are, but I'm naturally dirty blond.

Khloé Kardashian

I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown.

Bernie Mac