Humor Quotes

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. ― John Gotti

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
Winston Churchill

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
George Bernard Shaw

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.-Terry Pratchett

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. ― Thomas Bernhard

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse

The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.
Lev Grossman

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.
Winston Churchill

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Steven Wright

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
Kurt Vonnegut

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. Fields

If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.
W. C. Fields

Nobody works better under pressure. They just work faster.”
Brian Tracy

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

Simplicity is not a simple thing.
Charlie Chaplin

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Money often costs too much.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.
Charlie Chaplin

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
Mark Twain