A. A. Milne Humor
Erma Bombeck Life, Humor
Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most. Mark Twain
Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. ― John Gotti
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. Winston Churchill
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter. George Bernard Shaw
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.-Terry Pratchett
I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money. Pablo Picasso
I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Bob Monkhouse
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment. Lev Grossman
The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.
Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting. Winston Churchill
Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. ― Thomas Bernhard
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. Anthony Jeselnik
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected. Kurt Vonnegut
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against. W. C. Fields
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer. Yogi Berra
If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two. W. C. Fields
I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.
Nobody works better under pressure. They just work faster.” Brian Tracy
Nobody works better under pressure. They just work faster.”
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Simplicity is not a simple thing. Charlie Chaplin
Simplicity is not a simple thing.
Money often costs too much. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Money often costs too much.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying. Charlie Chaplin
I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
