Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

Jim Gaffigan

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Jim Gaffigan

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

Jim Gaffigan

I’m convinced that anyone who doesn’t like Mexican food is a psychopath.

Jim Gaffigan

Now there are adults without children who go to Disney, and they are called weirdos. Very nice people. Absolutely crazy.

Jim Gaffigan

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Jim Gaffigan

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Jim Gaffigan

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

Jim Gaffigan

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing

Jim Gaffigan

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

Jim Gaffigan