Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being...
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K. Demetri Martin
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Demetri Martin
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton. Demetri Martin
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.