Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being...
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. Demetri Martin
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Demetri Martin
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
