Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being...
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. Demetri Martin
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
