Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being...
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. Demetri Martin
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I never set out to do a sketch show. Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton. Demetri Martin
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
