Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being...
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. Demetri Martin
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I never set out to do a sketch show. Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton. Demetri Martin
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
