I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

John Oliver

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

John Oliver

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

John Oliver

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

John Oliver

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

John Oliver

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

John Oliver

Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.

John Oliver

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

John Oliver

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

John Oliver

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

John Oliver

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

John Oliver