I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

John Oliver

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

John Oliver

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

John Oliver

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

John Oliver

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

John Oliver

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

John Oliver

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

John Oliver

Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.

John Oliver

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

John Oliver

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

John Oliver

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

John Oliver