I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

John Oliver

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

John Oliver

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

John Oliver

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

John Oliver

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

John Oliver

Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.

John Oliver

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

John Oliver

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

John Oliver

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

John Oliver

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.

John Oliver

Drumpf is like a Magic 8-Ball. Every time you shake him, he gives you a different answer.

John Oliver