Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and...
On the other hand, you have different fingers Jack Handey
On the other hand, you have different fingers
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man." Jack Handey
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man."
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Jack Handey
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Jack Handey
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!" Jack Handey
"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!"
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the Jack Handey
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me." Jack Handey
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me."
"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus." Jack Handey
"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus."
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway" Jack Handey
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway"
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have." Jack Handey
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have."