Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and...
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.” Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. Jack Handey
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, Jack Handey
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start Jack Handey
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start
On the other hand, you have different fingers Jack Handey
On the other hand, you have different fingers
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides." Jack Handey
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have." Jack Handey
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be Jack Handey
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone! Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone!
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast." Jack Handey
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Jack Handey
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
