Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and...
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides." Jack Handey
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. Jack Handey
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.” Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
On the other hand, you have different fingers Jack Handey
On the other hand, you have different fingers
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Jack Handey
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast." Jack Handey
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." Jack Handey
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, Jack Handey
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Jack Handey
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be Jack Handey
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
