Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and...
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.” Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, Jack Handey
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. Jack Handey
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start Jack Handey
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start
On the other hand, you have different fingers Jack Handey
On the other hand, you have different fingers
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have." Jack Handey
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have."
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides." Jack Handey
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone! Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone!
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be Jack Handey
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast." Jack Handey
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. Jack Handey
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
