I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

Jeremy Clarkson

Like many men, I can never find anything that I'm looking for, even when I'm actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.

Jeremy Clarkson

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

Jeremy Clarkson

Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.

Jeremy Clarkson

I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time.

Jeremy Clarkson

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

Jeremy Clarkson

We are going to have to stop penalising people for making that most human of gestures- mistake

Jeremy Clarkson

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

Jeremy Clarkson

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

Jeremy Clarkson

Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.

Jeremy Clarkson

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.

Jeremy Clarkson

I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I'm a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits.

Jeremy Clarkson