Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and...
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." Jack Handey
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. Jack Handey
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Jack Handey
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway" Jack Handey
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway"
"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!" Jack Handey
"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!"
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Jack Handey
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the Jack Handey
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me." Jack Handey
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me."
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Jack Handey
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? Jack Handey
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Jack Handey
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
